Building a Mystery: The Secret to Attraction

I am honest to a fault. As soon as you meet me, I’ll tell you anything you want to know, and offer it freely without hesitation. I wear my heart on my sleeve. And I always imagined that being this way would be beneficial to me. Honesty is always the best policy! And being open and candid with your emotions, thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams, fears, weaknesses and strengths is all part of being 100% genuine, which makes you more honest, right?


Ok, so there is definitely something to be said about truth and honesty. But so far, the way I’d been using it, it wasn’t really working for me. Oftentimes I would spoil new relationships by revealing too much at the beginning, seeking approval from men for who I was and how I acted, and ended up getting rejected over and over again. So, that after several failed attempts at dating, I broke down and asked my shrewd and sassy grandmother for advice. Sure, she’s a little old school in her ways, but like she always says, “some things never change!” And what advice did she have?

“You need to be more mysterious.”

OK, I’ve heard that one before. My initial reaction was “OK, great. So I’m supposed to dye my hair a dark, sexy brown, wear a lot of black eyeliner, don’t say a whole lot, and act like I don’t care.” That didn’t seem very constructive to me. But, when your grandmother gives you a pearl of wisdom, you don’t take it lightly. She’s got more experience in life and love than I could ever hope to get out of the entire self-help section at Chapters, and she knows me better than any online quiz could reveal. So I began researching what it means to be truly mysterious.

This is going to sound lame, but at the risk of not being very “mysterious” I’ll tell you what I did: I actually Googled “how to be more mysterious.” (Seriously.) And in my research, which proved a lot more enlightening than I originally predicted, I discovered the key piece that I was missing:

In order to be mysterious, I have to be genuinely self-confident.

Hmmm, there’s that word again: genuine. Wait a minute, doesn’t being genuine mean being completely honest? How can one be honest and mysterious at the same time!? It was like someone had just told me that chocolate and vanilla ice cream is actually the exact same flavor. But the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. People who exude “mysteriousness” don’t speak unless they have something important to say. They don’t seek approval from others. They don’t wonder if they are doing the right thing, or if they are walking the right path, or if they are good enough. They deal with people frankly and don’t hesitate to abandon things or people that aren’t serving their highest purpose. They smolder with a quiet but intense flame from deep within, which is perceptible in their sparkling eyes. They attract others with their immense presence, and are natural-born leaders. Anyone who shows this kind of authentic self-respect is naturally magical and mystifying. We want to be around them because they somehow make us feel more confident and able to stand in our power, as well.

So there really is no “mystery” to being “mysterious”! It comes from being genuinely secure in who you are, and not needing to embellish it with superfluous extras. A confident person can allow for space to happen, and be OK with it. They will remain silent and stoic during awkward breaks in the conversation and not feel the need to fill it with unnecessary chatter. They will reveal only what is necessary and leave the juiciest parts of themselves for later, because they believe it’s worth waiting for. They are fine with being alone, because they don’t need to validate their belief system through other people’s opinions. They are their own best friend and look out for themselves first, and when they interact with others they do so with grace and integrity.

Let’s bring this back to my problem with dating. When it comes to attracting the opposite sex, it’s the mystery that draws us together and keeps the attraction fresh. We relish the thrill of not knowing what the other person is thinking, the sweet agony that fills the spaces between togetherness, and the absence that makes the heart fonder. In my opinion, there is nothing more attractive than a man who keeps me guessing with spontaneity and vigor. He emanates a silent, steady confidence. When he speaks, he means it from his heart. When he walks, he knows his direction and trusts his steps. And when he loves, you know it’s from a real place. And a woman cultivates her mysterious nature when she knows that she is extraordinary and doesn’t need the validation of a man to experience her own worth and feminine power. This confidence manifests in the dating world, for example, when we don’t call a potential partner back right away. It’s not because we are trying to play a “game”, it’s because we are out there living our lives to the fullest, experiencing our essence and sharing our gifts with the world. We aren’t afraid to love big, laugh loud, and cry hard. And you can count on us to make you into the best man you can be, because we are living our truth and striving to be the best woman we can be. Our love is big enough to hold space through the ups and downs, the hardships, and the joys. And this is because it’s a love that flows from the inside out, fueled by the infinite well of universal love.

The whole universe is a cosmic dance of mystery and intrigue. Do you know exactly what’s going to happen to you after you read this? Of course not. And if you did, life wouldn’t be as exciting! Part of what makes it worthwhile to get up in the morning is the not knowing. The mystery of what is just around the corner – whether it be a sadness, a joy, a challenge or a delight. And I believe that if we stop trying to control life and all its outcomes so stubbornly and just live each day with the most authenticity we can, digging deep and living from our heart’s most intimate truths, we’ll bump right into true love.

So to be the most honest I can be, I must cultivate the self-confidence to be true to myself. And then it won’t matter what I look like on the outside, I’ll exude an inner strength and power that will resonate in all that I do. I won’t need to pour my guts out in a secret need for approval. I can just be – and stand grounded in who I am and what lights me up, and this will draw the right person my way effortlessly like a magnet.

Now THAT’s the kind of “mysterious” I can work towards.

Cheers to living the mystery, yogis. Namaste.

Thank you to Renee Wade, founder of and all her great tips on “how to be mysterious” 😉 <;3</blockquot


The only light we can depend on is our own.

Just a poem today. It’s nearly the end of summer and it’s a sad time for me. A time for letting go, for embracing change. It can’t be summer forever. Maybe I need to move to the tropics? Or maybe I need to learn to light myself up from the inside. We can’t depend on external things to fuel us, to warm us, to make us happy. If we do this, we will always be disappointed.

Keep the fire burning. Do not let anything extinguish your inner power. Namaste.

“The Sun Never Shines”

The sun never shines when we want it to.
When we are shadowed in buildings and under roofs
Toiling at our day to day routines, unawares
The sun could be beaming so bright as to burn our eyes to dust
And yet we curse that the dim candlelight at hand
Is not enough to warm us.

Then when we find a crack in the wall
Pry our fingertips into the plastered-over doorway
And force it open
The sun runs and hides behind a cloud or hill
And there is no light or warmth to be had.

The coy sun teases.

Our transparent, sun-starved skin aches to be held
In our great star’s warm, fiery embrace
Our chilled bones shudder without its penetrating heat
It is a wasteland of dead things, grey things, frozen dullness
Without that external glory to summon us from death
We wither like light-deprived flowers,
Suffocated in our dark soil.

Betrayed, we go back inside, seal up the door
Resolved to light our stumpy candle with a clumsy match
And live out our lives in almost-darkness.

Meanwhile the sun has noticed our absence, and awakens
Stretches its golden limbs and kicks off cloud blankets
To light the earth on fire.
But we press our faces and hands closely to the tiny flame
In an effort to refuse its fickle brilliance.
If we go running to the door again – we dare have hope!
The sun will turn its back, laughing.

The sun only shines
When we don’t want it to.